9:30am

. . .Woke up with a rather interesting dream, probably filled with a lot of the more prevalent emotions in my life. I was in school, in the caf, and I was really hungry, so I bought an extra lunch combo or something. Which ended with a total of $21.46 or something. Which was definitely more than I had for a school caf. lunch. Anyways, midway through my meal, I realize that I have to be upstairs (maybe 2 floors up) to take this test or something... Don't remember the course code or whatever. I wandered through the maze-like room, 'til I found a librarian who was able to explain some of the other stuff related to it. This prompts me to remember what the test was about -- the human heart (physical), so I gotta remember which one is the main artery and which is the jugular vein... or something. Suddenly I bumped into a guy-friend from HS (let's call him RCH for anymity). He leads me to where he is -- the room across from where I was. Apparently it's some sort of studio. (In real life he's worked as a model with quite some success.) But he wasn't shooting anything today; he was "working", which probably meant he was helping training newer people or something.
. . .We chat for a bit, then he asks what I'm up to. He definitely wants to get together. I tell him where I'll be for the next lil while as I want to meet up with him too. He says when he's finished there in the studio, he'll find me.
. . .Back in the heart-test room, I realize that it's around 4:15 now, and the place closes at 6:30, so I don't have a lot of time to study, especially since the last test session was held at 4:00, and I think the next one would be 4:30 or 5:00. But that's not really important, as long as I really learn the stuff. I suddenly realize that I didn't finish my lunch yet (or pay, even though I couldn't afford it), so I go back down to the caf, which now has reduced lighting. I try to find a well-lit area, and have just barely pulled out my books and written 2 lines when RCH approaches me out of nowhere.
. . .He looks really awkward, and sheepish, and he's blushing quite a bit (at this point, I think we're seeing things in cartoon now instead of real life). "Do you... ... wanna go skating with me...?" I'm swept with emotion, until I finally calm down to accept (thereby abandoning my books and still not paying for my lunch).
. . .Oddly, this dream ended up representing several things in my life. I'm not sure if seeing them or realising them is going to help me o'ercome them or anything, but at least I know what's going on.
Hungry - weight freight. I've been gaining quite some weight recently, and since I *know* it's not a result of exercise or healthy eating, I'm rather concerned to the point of paranoia. (my waist size has also gone up quite a bit. All of you who know me already know that I'm quite thin.)
$21.46 - poverty. Simply, I'm not rich. I'd like to be, but I'm not. There's no use pretending to have something that I don't, right? Unfortunately, money is a bit of a necessity in this world. (and the lack of it might also relate to the first issue addressed in my dream.)
Heart Test - school. My need to do well, and my unfortunately inclination to not study well all term. I.e. only cramming everything in the last few weeks.
RCH - RCH. He's someone very real and very alive (hopefully). He's someone who in a way has affected my life dramatically, but at the same time is no longer in my life. I wrote about him before, sorta, but not specifically. Basically, he was a tall, clean, fashionably dressed, charismatic Candian-born Asian, who somehow was able to befriend a HS me (we won't go into details of the old me). We were friends. At least, I think we were friends. It's so hard to tell when you're a guy and you don't ever think about these sorts of things.
In any case, we did stuff that mere acquaintences wouldn't do (which won't be specified here because it'd make it too easy to name RCH). Sorta kept in touch after HS, but communications were mostly one-sided. (I.e., I'd call, invariably end up leaving a message on his cell, then he'd maybe call back a week later.) And this was sorta o.k., since I knew he was really busy with school and work, and I was just a nerd at a nerd school who occassionally came back to the city on weekends. And this was fine. Until one weekend, after a tiresome greyhound ride back into Toronto, in which I decide to call up some friends to see if they're free to hang out for the weekend. But I'm tired, so my speech is filled with awkward phrasing.
"...and I was wondering if you wanted to get back together..."
I didn't realise it until seconds after I hung up. And being the tired (and therefore panicky) person that I was, I immediately call back and apologize for my weirdness, explaining that I was very tired and therefore my speech shouldn't be taken too seriously.
But anyways, the feelings of embarrassement and potential awkwardness were too much for me, and he never called anyways, so I guess that's one "friend" I'll never see again in my life. Which is kinda sad cuz he was one of the few people in the world I had an easier time talking to. But I guess life is like that sometimes -- one can't be expected to be able to stay in contact with all one's friends from childhood, right? But does that make it silly of one for wanting to try? Anyways...
Time - time. Or my obsession with time. I hate being late, and I hate it more when others are late. N. America seems to be one of the few areas in which time is still an approximation, despite being a collection of allegedly developed nations. The best example is Japan, where 8:17 really means 8:17. If the schedule says that the train leaves at 8:17, it doesn't mean 8:15, or 8:20, but 8:17. Which means if your watch isn't in sync with the rest of the nation, you're screwed. ...or comfortably early for everything. Yes, I know that it's all subjective anyways. But in the abstract sense that everything is subjective. The measure of time, the length of an inch, the weight of a pound. All things are arbitrary. But not knowing what your world looks like is more or less useless. Keeping an open mind is important, but there's also a practical aspect to living in a physical world. Which in a sense, is saying that all mathematicians are professionals at being in denial.
. . .Gosh, that was a needlessly long post. At least the reader was perhaps entertained by the thought processes that run rampantly through my brain.

Ice Crystals

. . .Prompted by the third snowflake-derived display pic I encountered among my contacts on MSN, I decided to cease my decade of delusion and go out there and find out why exactly there's that six-fold symmetry in snowflakes. Spent about an hour here, then checked out some other related links.
. . .It's really fascinating!! If I weren't in such a slump right now I'd almost be inspired to do something! Like write a poem, draw a picture, finish an essay... *looks around nervously* Anywhoo, now I really want to go visit this place, because it just seems really pretty!! And even more so in the winter! Maybe in a few years, if I ever win the Shizuoka contest...
. . .Which is just a harsh reminder of what exactly am I supposed to be doing... where am I going, what's my aim in life? How far have I fallen? Yarg... I hope I'm able to find my way to Toronto on Sunday... Cuz I definitely don't have the money.
. . .So much creative energy (or so I'm deluded into thinking), but I never seem to be able to complete everything. Potential is one thing, but actualization or completion is another. A courageous commencement commands a courtly conclusion. (bleh, alliteration is overrated.)
. . .Anyways, about midway into week 2 of my wayward sleeping habits. I should get some sleep.

Broken Bienséance

Sensitivity is a curse. Insensitivity is a curse.
. . .I've discovered that I find it difficult to get along with people who have little to no concept of manners or decorum. Nothing so rigid as formulaic conversations, but even just the basic greeting upon meeting face-to-face is something which I think is rather basic. People that I conveniently write off as being crude, obtuse, coarse, unrefined, brutish, etc. It's too easy for me to get offended by them, whether it's their barbaric gall to access my items without my permission, or the gaucherie required of them to physically touch me when it's clearly inappropriate and undesired.
. . .Hypocrites are also a sort of people I have difficulty with. Like a certain someone on a certain forum who's always ranting about the insolent and rebellious youth of today's society, tacitly implying that because of her(or his) antiquated sentiment for archaic diction that s/he is somehow more polite or proper, when her/his actual actions in verbally attacking others for their academic ignorance or youth are equally offensive. I don't get how people come off thinking they're better than someone else just because they've deluded themselves into thinking that posessing a certain form of etiquette.
. . .I mean, what's the entire purpose behind etiquette, decorum, tact? I've mentioned it before but I'll mention it again: too many people nowadays blindly follow archaic rules of conduct just because there were rules of conduct and they're archaic. But none of them actually actually pause to ponder the reasoning or rationale behind those rules. Frenzied fanatics who misguidedly attempt to live an ancient life in modern times.
. . .What was the purpose of it all, anyways? The real motivation should be to help make people feel welcome, not set up a social trap to accuse them of being uncivilized. Calling someone uncultured just because he doesn't dance to your music is hardly civil. False notions of superiority are clear signs that the person suffers from idiocy and tries to compensate by pushing others down.
. . .Having said that, I know that in the past I used to hold etiquette pretty highly. But I think I was mistaken. In fact, what I really wanted to say all this time is what I'm trying to say here. A good person isn't one who lives all those silly rules made up by drunk kings centuries ago. It's the person who has the care and sensitivity to accomodate others and try to make the other person feel as welcome as possible. Stiffly holding on to unnatural laws that hardly apply to the modern world will rarely make a person of a different culture feel welcome, especially when that other culture has no clear understanding of this foreign culture's extinct ways of life.
. . .I'm not saying that etiquette is a bad thing. I think it's good to investigate on how people in society might have approached different situations, but the important thing to always ask and understand is, why and how did it work in that society and era, and how would that translate in today's world with today's youth?
. . .I think that the truely uncultured people are not those who are unaware of older customs or of "higher-class" ways of life, but those who lack the sensitivity or observation to be able to see when someone is uncomfortable with an action, a touch or a word. After all, we are of the civilized world, no? Fine, then we shall live a civilized life. Barbarous oppositions, arguements, offences and insults have proven time and time again to be ineffective in winning someone over. You may prove your point, but you may be sure that they won't be eager to befriend you afterwards. A beautiful mind isn't just one that has a high intellectual capacity, but rather one that is able to get along with others without being condescending.
. . .So in short, I've said that it's wrong to insult people, and in doing so I've insulted people. Brilliant, I know. I wonder how many of you actually follow what I'm trying to say here; I've been feeling woozy for the past few hours. @_@ Are my words still coherent and cohesive?

Insane Insomniac

. . .So at 3:30am, when I "normally" sleep, I decide to fix myself a small snack. No biggie. But then I decide that I need some reading material to accompany this light snack. As in the second of three novels I purchased almost a year ago but never got around to reading. Almost 4 hours later, here I am, eating breakfast. I'm so smart. S-M-R-T. Definitely.
. . .As was sliiiiiightly hinted in my previous post (and in any case what might be noticible given the dates of my dA submissions), I've pretty much been doing art for the past week. Which oddly has me happy. Emotionally. Unfortunately, it's not really aiding me in the academic front. And I'm so tired right now I can see me ruing myself for writing this at all. It all seems so non-linear. But anyways. Lotsa art. yey. And in typical Joseph fashion, I end up hating almost everything about the work after I post it online. I guess that's a lesson to me to work harder.
. . .Meanwhile, for those interested (I certainly am) in the upcoming, year-late DVD movie FF7:AC (Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children), check out the new third trailer they posted on their site: http://www.square-enix.co.jp/dvd/ff7ac For those of you who don't understand Japanese, just look at the pretty pictures. And for those of you who're students of Japanese, let's see how much you've really learned from the classroom. ;)
. . .Alrighties then. Time for me to go beddie-bye. (Did I just make that up, or am I misusing/misspelling another phrase?) Anywhoo... I need to sleep to keep my immune system up.

Art

New pics posted on my dA site. Go check 'em out. http://shadow-paladin.deviantart.com
The styles are vaguely different though. :P
Meanwhile... As for my personal life... ... ... ... no comment. The sooner I'm finished, the sooner I'm out of here. And then boldly shall I brave into the faceless, heartless world of men. Lots to look forward to, huh...

Ecclesiastes

Meaningless! Meaningless!
Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.

What is twisted cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.

The wise man has eyes in his head, while the fool walks in the darkness;
but ... realize that the same fate overtakes them both.

"The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?"
"Like the fool, the wise man too must die!"