Love. What is love? Long time no post, eh?
No, not gonna go into that topic, because there is an entire body of literature on the subject as well as a wealth of movies and musics entirely devoted to that theme.
Nay, instead I'll talk about "loveless". Not the anime, not the manga, but my reasons for having it as my MSN nickname recently.
No, I didn't get my heart broken, and no it's not like I fell for a girl who's already with sby else or anything like that. It's a mix between my suffocation of all the romance/drama of my friends' lives around me, and the idea that romance isn't for me.
Now, I don't mean to say that I'm sick and tired of hearing about my friends' situations, because I do honestly care about them. But I just hate seeing the same thing happen to all of them, the same wounds, the same pains, the same anguishes. People loose sight of what they want, others change over time. In an ever changing world like ours (what's that school of philosophy called again?), it's a miracle anybody manages to stay alive and happy with another person.
Again with the whole "can't be seen with a girlfriend" motif. Not that ppl can't imagine me being straight, just that they have a hard time imagining what kind of girl I'd end up with. And aside from what people think, I just don't find romance to be for me.
Again with the dual nature. I eat up that sort of stuff in novels and movies, but I'm not sure if I'd want that in real life. Unlike some people, I like to make a distinction between fantasy and reality. In fact, that's part of the alure in fantasy. To enjoy things that one can't enjoy in real life. And that's edging dangerously close to another rant, so I'll save that for yet another day.
But simply, love isn't for me. At least, not at this age and not at this time in my life.
A certain friend of mine was enjoying the idea that I've had to fight off my share of women in my life. Not that they were all pining for my affection or anything (now that I think about it), but they all came on too strong in some way, shape or form. Three distinct characters come to mind, all from UW. Coincidence? I think not. Especially when one considers the general gauche population of UW. Not that any one faculty especially exceeds at this social brutality...
Ah, so much hate. Easier to just love, I've heard. Hate takes up a lot of energy and kills brain cells. And I really don't have too many left. :( Well, whether I hate or not, I most certainly disapprove and disagree with many of modern developments in society and social intercourse. How fast the world turns, and how quickly streams the flow of time...
2005/04/30
2005/04/15
Lunar Lullaby
Dreams that stretch across time,
A love as deep as the ocean.
Despite the eternity of pain,
will you still be waiting for me?
Aeons pass, and yet here we are.
The world may change,
but will you still be here by my side?
A love so fierce it blinds me.
Where are you now?
Spring has come; the world reborn.
Only the moon remains the same,
A silent reminder of times long past.
Whither again will we meet?
Semi-sentimental mood right now... Just read the first two volumes of Gekka no Kimi (月下の君) And gosh, am I hooked! I was enjoying Love Monster, but this is just one a totally different level! Not that I can identify with any of the characters... (I've never been a girl, and I've never been a pretty boy chased by a horde of girls cuz of my good-looks) But having a little knowledge about The Tale of Genji (源氏の物語), I was already captivated by the allure of that time in the past when culture and refinement were the highlight of society. And love is a pretty international theme, so everybody can relate to that on some level. It's such a nice, but seemingly tragic story. I have no idea what the ending is gonna be, but this soap-opera-esque story is definitely one that I'm gonna be following closely. Despite what happens, I can't help but follow the two lives of the hero and heroine of the story.
OMG, I'm such a nerd. The art is admittedly captivating and it really gets to me (in a good way). I should be studying for math. And after Saturday I'll have all the time in the world to pursue more leisurely pastimes.
But in anycase, Gekka no Kimi. I just wish I had access to the Japanese manga... The English scantalations (thus far found via http://www.shoujomagic.net) is kinda slow and several volumes behind the most recent releases in Japan. Not that I'm a japanophile or anything, I just generally prefer things in their original form. So much gets lost in translation.
So yah, if any of you out there have money to splurge and feel like showering me in materialistic love, don't hesitate to grab me the first 6 (or 7?) volumes of the japanese manga. But all of you who're reading this are probably more realistic than that. Haha... I'm giddy. It's past 5am.
Originally, when I was reading the translated version of The Tale of Genji, I couldn't identify at all with Genji. I couldn't approve of his actions nor appreciate the story. And while I still don't like Genji, this japanese comic certainly has me reconsidering reading that mammoth of a novel again, if only to more fully appreciate the subtleties and beauty of that period in history.
I should sleep now... hopefully I'll get to dream about pretty boys making vows of unrequitted love. Haha... I hope I get enough studying done for my exam on Saturday...
BTW, try not to read too deeply into that prose-type thing at the top. I made it up on the spot, and I'm sure it won't make much sense to me in the morning... Well, g'night!
A love as deep as the ocean.
Despite the eternity of pain,
will you still be waiting for me?
Aeons pass, and yet here we are.
The world may change,
but will you still be here by my side?
A love so fierce it blinds me.
Where are you now?
Spring has come; the world reborn.
Only the moon remains the same,
A silent reminder of times long past.
Whither again will we meet?
Semi-sentimental mood right now... Just read the first two volumes of Gekka no Kimi (月下の君) And gosh, am I hooked! I was enjoying Love Monster, but this is just one a totally different level! Not that I can identify with any of the characters... (I've never been a girl, and I've never been a pretty boy chased by a horde of girls cuz of my good-looks) But having a little knowledge about The Tale of Genji (源氏の物語), I was already captivated by the allure of that time in the past when culture and refinement were the highlight of society. And love is a pretty international theme, so everybody can relate to that on some level. It's such a nice, but seemingly tragic story. I have no idea what the ending is gonna be, but this soap-opera-esque story is definitely one that I'm gonna be following closely. Despite what happens, I can't help but follow the two lives of the hero and heroine of the story.
OMG, I'm such a nerd. The art is admittedly captivating and it really gets to me (in a good way). I should be studying for math. And after Saturday I'll have all the time in the world to pursue more leisurely pastimes.
But in anycase, Gekka no Kimi. I just wish I had access to the Japanese manga... The English scantalations (thus far found via http://www.shoujomagic.net) is kinda slow and several volumes behind the most recent releases in Japan. Not that I'm a japanophile or anything, I just generally prefer things in their original form. So much gets lost in translation.
So yah, if any of you out there have money to splurge and feel like showering me in materialistic love, don't hesitate to grab me the first 6 (or 7?) volumes of the japanese manga. But all of you who're reading this are probably more realistic than that. Haha... I'm giddy. It's past 5am.
Originally, when I was reading the translated version of The Tale of Genji, I couldn't identify at all with Genji. I couldn't approve of his actions nor appreciate the story. And while I still don't like Genji, this japanese comic certainly has me reconsidering reading that mammoth of a novel again, if only to more fully appreciate the subtleties and beauty of that period in history.
I should sleep now... hopefully I'll get to dream about pretty boys making vows of unrequitted love. Haha... I hope I get enough studying done for my exam on Saturday...
BTW, try not to read too deeply into that prose-type thing at the top. I made it up on the spot, and I'm sure it won't make much sense to me in the morning... Well, g'night!
2005/04/11
Gender (Part II)
Now for the essay/rant part. What is the difference between sex and gender? Oftentimes we use them interchangably, when they obviously are two very different words. In this specific context, on the actual subject of "it", I think it should be made clear that the distinction is a Descartesque one. "Sex" refers to the physical/biological/genetic distinction between a male and a female, whereas "gender" refers to the personality/mental distinction between feminine and masculine traits. And of course, with all things mental, there is rarely a rigid line between one and another for the latter category.
Of course, there are those pseudo-hermaphrodites, and true hermaphrodites, but they are few and far between. And from what I've heard and read, they usually choose to be called one or another. And technically, there are also those who are lucky and get XXY or XYY chromosome "pairs", which I'm sure we all recall from highschool biology. (Either that or I really do have a propensity for retaining useless information.) But in anycase, since they are exceptional cases, I shan't refer to them whenever I refer to "sex". "Gender" is really the more interesting subject anyways.
My sex is male, plain and simple. And while it's conceivable for those to find it offensive or politically incorrect to inquire or know one's sex, I think it's a very convoluted intelligence. Unless one's sexist. Anyways...
My gender is one that has been called into question, and was the actual subject of the first part of this post. And I think I did a sufficient job at addressing it, so here I'll talk more about why I think it's a) important to know this distinction and b) an issue that needs addressing.
And I'm going to do it in a way that doesn't directly show either a) or b).
There are those out there that treat the two sexes differently. This I call sexism. It is true that there *are* differences between the two sexes, but I think that matters of personality and termperament easily outweigh any considerations of sex.
And there are too many of them out there. I've met far too many people who automatically treat me with disconcern and coarseness because I'm a guy. Is not my cultural prefernces and [would-be] erudite diction enough of an indication that I would not prefer the vulgarity and rudeness that most other men find comfortable in their own company?
Girls are always on the winning end of this deal, which is probably why it took a little more than a millenia for the feminist movement to occur. It doesn't matter if I were the world's foremost expert on human emotions and relationships, because I'm a guy, certain other guys wouldn't talk to me about their relationships or emotions. And it's not like I'm trying to become the psyciatrist of the group or anything, but I do find it somewhat base when a guy will only run to women to talk about feelings. Yes, it's true that generally women have a better idea of what emotions are and how human relationships work, but at the same time, I've met my fair share of ignorant females and equally sensitive males (the latter being very, very, very rare), enough to dispell my automatic dependence on one gender or another for any given need. It's about the individuals anyways. Those who run only to women for comforting are obviously attention-whores who lap up the pity that women dish out. Men just can't seem to give quite the same comfort, eh?
Of course, there are also women out there who do the same thing. To her, women are either allies to further their network of emotional control of the population, or excess baggage allowed to stay around to further their own beauty by nature of contrast. (If X were 70% pretty, and Y were 40% pretty, by placing Y beside X, X would now seem to be at least 85% pretty.) Those numbers are made up, but they illustrate my point. To this kind of woman, men are dumb creatures, there to be controlled. This illusion of "equality" is only used when it serves her. Otherwise, of course it's natural that the man would have to give her rides or pay for dinner. Where's the equality then? Selfish creatures. At least the guy in the preceeding paragraph doesn't bother hiding what he is. We can all see the naked ugliness in his sexual discrimination. But her, this sort of woman described in this paragraph, is clever, as are all of her sex. (Not that I'm bitter nor cynical towards women or anything...)
Now, as for me, I base my relationships with people on their personalities and interests. (It's hard to stay amiable if there's nothing to talk about.) It has been surmised that this is perhaps the cause of my inability to see anyone as romantically attractive, since I make friends as friends. I don't first go through a mental checklist deciding whether she's a possible interest or a sister-type figure. She is who she is. Whether that'll agree with my personality is a different matter. Similarly, he is who he is. I don't first try to figure out what use he could be to me. I actually try to get to know the person.
And so, there is no sex among my friends. That may be part of the reason why my friends are so few, but at least I know them to be real. A true friend is one who accepts you for who you are. Anyone else isn't a friend. An acquaintance, a distant relation by marriage, a family member, but not a friend. Those who would request that you act differently than how you would normally act are not friends. To them, the bonds of friendship go *slice*.
And going back to me, how this all relates to the previous post (as if it weren't obvious enough), is the multitudes of judgements and prejudices that I get from people because of the way I am. Why isn't it admissible for a male to be feminine? Why can't a female be masculine? Is sex so important that it dictates the way in which we must think?
That there are tendencies in women to think a certain way, or in men to think in another way is inarguable. Given two sets of people, one group would obviously have to have a higher inclination towards one way of thinking than the other. But if it were a matter of sheer statistics, it wouldn't be mentioned in any psychology textbooks. But biology and body-chemistry only go so far. There are those women in math and CS who are able to keep up with the rest of the smelly, unkempt men, and there are men who are leaders in the industries of fashion, cuisine and literature.
And therein lies the injustice, and the source of my indignation. Distances between myself and certain individuals aren't because of a lack of mutual interest or incompatibility, but rather, because of the conscious (or perhaps unconscious) choice that the other makes because of my sex. I'm a guy. Therefore, we can't talk about emotions. Unless we were drunk. And the heartache was really sore. (Both conditions must be met.) Because I "should" be a certain way, they expect certain types of behaviour from me. Because I *don't* comply (nay, I refuse to conform) to the gender roles assigned by society, people distance themselves from me.
What happened to the individualism that was so celebrated in this "free" world? From the asian world of [nerd] sheep, I can be somewhat forgiving. Their rigid culture has a strong distaste for anything new or different. Anyone can be different. But being normal is an impossible goal. That's what should be striven for. (rant on asian culture later... if ever...)
But there it is, thus have I said it. Nobody's perfect and indeed I'm as far from perfection as the next guy (indeed, perhaps, further). But at least I don't make judgements on people because of their gender. I try to get to know their *real* selves. I want to know WHO they are, not what they are. To those of you who have thus far "suffered" and "tolerated" my deviant behaviour, I would request that you take one good, long look at your own actions and ask if there have been any aspects of your own behaviour that I in turn might have suffered and tolerated.
*Deep breath*
Yes, a nice, lengthy post this is. I apologise in advance for the incoherency and illogical flow of ideas from one paragraph to another. I hope that the main point still manages to come across.
...and as a counterbalance to the angry attacks to certain individuals, I would also like to add my heart-felt thanks and appreciation for those of who who have stood by me despite my chaotic whims and have accepted me for who I am instead of judging me or seeking to conform me to something I'm not just because of that one Y-chromosome. No names, because that would be tactless. But you know who you are, and I thank you. It is because of people like you that I manage to survive an otherwise bleak and destructive world. Luv ya all~ <3
Of course, there are those pseudo-hermaphrodites, and true hermaphrodites, but they are few and far between. And from what I've heard and read, they usually choose to be called one or another. And technically, there are also those who are lucky and get XXY or XYY chromosome "pairs", which I'm sure we all recall from highschool biology. (Either that or I really do have a propensity for retaining useless information.) But in anycase, since they are exceptional cases, I shan't refer to them whenever I refer to "sex". "Gender" is really the more interesting subject anyways.
My sex is male, plain and simple. And while it's conceivable for those to find it offensive or politically incorrect to inquire or know one's sex, I think it's a very convoluted intelligence. Unless one's sexist. Anyways...
My gender is one that has been called into question, and was the actual subject of the first part of this post. And I think I did a sufficient job at addressing it, so here I'll talk more about why I think it's a) important to know this distinction and b) an issue that needs addressing.
And I'm going to do it in a way that doesn't directly show either a) or b).
There are those out there that treat the two sexes differently. This I call sexism. It is true that there *are* differences between the two sexes, but I think that matters of personality and termperament easily outweigh any considerations of sex.
And there are too many of them out there. I've met far too many people who automatically treat me with disconcern and coarseness because I'm a guy. Is not my cultural prefernces and [would-be] erudite diction enough of an indication that I would not prefer the vulgarity and rudeness that most other men find comfortable in their own company?
Girls are always on the winning end of this deal, which is probably why it took a little more than a millenia for the feminist movement to occur. It doesn't matter if I were the world's foremost expert on human emotions and relationships, because I'm a guy, certain other guys wouldn't talk to me about their relationships or emotions. And it's not like I'm trying to become the psyciatrist of the group or anything, but I do find it somewhat base when a guy will only run to women to talk about feelings. Yes, it's true that generally women have a better idea of what emotions are and how human relationships work, but at the same time, I've met my fair share of ignorant females and equally sensitive males (the latter being very, very, very rare), enough to dispell my automatic dependence on one gender or another for any given need. It's about the individuals anyways. Those who run only to women for comforting are obviously attention-whores who lap up the pity that women dish out. Men just can't seem to give quite the same comfort, eh?
Of course, there are also women out there who do the same thing. To her, women are either allies to further their network of emotional control of the population, or excess baggage allowed to stay around to further their own beauty by nature of contrast. (If X were 70% pretty, and Y were 40% pretty, by placing Y beside X, X would now seem to be at least 85% pretty.) Those numbers are made up, but they illustrate my point. To this kind of woman, men are dumb creatures, there to be controlled. This illusion of "equality" is only used when it serves her. Otherwise, of course it's natural that the man would have to give her rides or pay for dinner. Where's the equality then? Selfish creatures. At least the guy in the preceeding paragraph doesn't bother hiding what he is. We can all see the naked ugliness in his sexual discrimination. But her, this sort of woman described in this paragraph, is clever, as are all of her sex. (Not that I'm bitter nor cynical towards women or anything...)
Now, as for me, I base my relationships with people on their personalities and interests. (It's hard to stay amiable if there's nothing to talk about.) It has been surmised that this is perhaps the cause of my inability to see anyone as romantically attractive, since I make friends as friends. I don't first go through a mental checklist deciding whether she's a possible interest or a sister-type figure. She is who she is. Whether that'll agree with my personality is a different matter. Similarly, he is who he is. I don't first try to figure out what use he could be to me. I actually try to get to know the person.
And so, there is no sex among my friends. That may be part of the reason why my friends are so few, but at least I know them to be real. A true friend is one who accepts you for who you are. Anyone else isn't a friend. An acquaintance, a distant relation by marriage, a family member, but not a friend. Those who would request that you act differently than how you would normally act are not friends. To them, the bonds of friendship go *slice*.
And going back to me, how this all relates to the previous post (as if it weren't obvious enough), is the multitudes of judgements and prejudices that I get from people because of the way I am. Why isn't it admissible for a male to be feminine? Why can't a female be masculine? Is sex so important that it dictates the way in which we must think?
That there are tendencies in women to think a certain way, or in men to think in another way is inarguable. Given two sets of people, one group would obviously have to have a higher inclination towards one way of thinking than the other. But if it were a matter of sheer statistics, it wouldn't be mentioned in any psychology textbooks. But biology and body-chemistry only go so far. There are those women in math and CS who are able to keep up with the rest of the smelly, unkempt men, and there are men who are leaders in the industries of fashion, cuisine and literature.
And therein lies the injustice, and the source of my indignation. Distances between myself and certain individuals aren't because of a lack of mutual interest or incompatibility, but rather, because of the conscious (or perhaps unconscious) choice that the other makes because of my sex. I'm a guy. Therefore, we can't talk about emotions. Unless we were drunk. And the heartache was really sore. (Both conditions must be met.) Because I "should" be a certain way, they expect certain types of behaviour from me. Because I *don't* comply (nay, I refuse to conform) to the gender roles assigned by society, people distance themselves from me.
What happened to the individualism that was so celebrated in this "free" world? From the asian world of [nerd] sheep, I can be somewhat forgiving. Their rigid culture has a strong distaste for anything new or different. Anyone can be different. But being normal is an impossible goal. That's what should be striven for. (rant on asian culture later... if ever...)
But there it is, thus have I said it. Nobody's perfect and indeed I'm as far from perfection as the next guy (indeed, perhaps, further). But at least I don't make judgements on people because of their gender. I try to get to know their *real* selves. I want to know WHO they are, not what they are. To those of you who have thus far "suffered" and "tolerated" my deviant behaviour, I would request that you take one good, long look at your own actions and ask if there have been any aspects of your own behaviour that I in turn might have suffered and tolerated.
*Deep breath*
Yes, a nice, lengthy post this is. I apologise in advance for the incoherency and illogical flow of ideas from one paragraph to another. I hope that the main point still manages to come across.
...and as a counterbalance to the angry attacks to certain individuals, I would also like to add my heart-felt thanks and appreciation for those of who who have stood by me despite my chaotic whims and have accepted me for who I am instead of judging me or seeking to conform me to something I'm not just because of that one Y-chromosome. No names, because that would be tactless. But you know who you are, and I thank you. It is because of people like you that I manage to survive an otherwise bleak and destructive world. Luv ya all~ <3
2005/04/10
Gender (Part I)
Apparently I'm very girly. ...Or so speaks the consensus amongst all my close friends. Reasons are plentiful, but the more obvious ones are my long [and well-kept] hair, my hypersensitivity to others' feelings (and at times my own), my weak constitution (and therefore relatively lighter complexion), my "ability to girltalk", my insight on emotions and relationships (which really come from passively observing friends' relationships...), etc...
Talked to a friend about it (sorta) today. It came up innocently enough... ...in the form of my lack of reaction to a "cute" girl who walked by. My friend was like, "whoa!" and I was like, "m'eh". And then he went on about how I have feminine features (even if my hair were short...). How my value and efforts into polished manners and refinement are more feminine than masculine, etc, etc...
And as if to top it all off, I get cramps today. Probably not as bad as the "real thing", but it still hurt me a heck of a lot. And without getting into details, there was blood involved too. Whee... Sometimes I wonder about this whole gender/sex thing (which will be discussed in the follow-up post). But yah. That's my post for today. The sucky thing is, I'm really ugly as a girl. And I was never really attractive as a guy. So I'm kinda in a lose-lose situation here... T_T
...To add insult to injury, more and more people have recently remarked about how they can't picture me with a girlfriend... ...and some add that they can't see me with a boyfriend either. *sighs*
But this is dangerously edging on the whole friend/lover issue I have... which I'll rant about tmr, after I fail my german exam. =)
Talked to a friend about it (sorta) today. It came up innocently enough... ...in the form of my lack of reaction to a "cute" girl who walked by. My friend was like, "whoa!" and I was like, "m'eh". And then he went on about how I have feminine features (even if my hair were short...). How my value and efforts into polished manners and refinement are more feminine than masculine, etc, etc...
And as if to top it all off, I get cramps today. Probably not as bad as the "real thing", but it still hurt me a heck of a lot. And without getting into details, there was blood involved too. Whee... Sometimes I wonder about this whole gender/sex thing (which will be discussed in the follow-up post). But yah. That's my post for today. The sucky thing is, I'm really ugly as a girl. And I was never really attractive as a guy. So I'm kinda in a lose-lose situation here... T_T
...To add insult to injury, more and more people have recently remarked about how they can't picture me with a girlfriend... ...and some add that they can't see me with a boyfriend either. *sighs*
But this is dangerously edging on the whole friend/lover issue I have... which I'll rant about tmr, after I fail my german exam. =)
2005/04/03
Senescent Weekend
I've never been one for parties. And this weekend, despite the small number of company I maintained, I was exhausted. But at least I managed to see one friend again after half a year, and hear from another handful of people in whose minds I've yet to be completely sunk into the dark abyss of oblivion.
It's nice to exist, I think. Et je pense, donc je suis! So the old saying goes. Attribute my reverse way of thinking to my quirkiness, but I always find days like today to be a time of reflection and contemplation. Mindless celebrations are for funerals. Finally free from the foul fiends and fools of this mortal coil. Death is a freedom in which one cannot take any action in this world. One who is not involved should not have a right to influence.
What have I done this year? What have I accomplished? Where am I going? And whither am I destined? To contemplate one's existence is a moot point. Acute metaphysicians bend their minds to the task and exhaust their acuity. But what would I like to be, and how would it be "good"?
It may be lonely at the top, but it's suffocating at the bottom. The flame of life continues to burn away at the wick of our centres and slowly lick away our bodies of wax. Such an ephermeral beauty.
It's nice to exist, I think. Et je pense, donc je suis! So the old saying goes. Attribute my reverse way of thinking to my quirkiness, but I always find days like today to be a time of reflection and contemplation. Mindless celebrations are for funerals. Finally free from the foul fiends and fools of this mortal coil. Death is a freedom in which one cannot take any action in this world. One who is not involved should not have a right to influence.
What have I done this year? What have I accomplished? Where am I going? And whither am I destined? To contemplate one's existence is a moot point. Acute metaphysicians bend their minds to the task and exhaust their acuity. But what would I like to be, and how would it be "good"?
It may be lonely at the top, but it's suffocating at the bottom. The flame of life continues to burn away at the wick of our centres and slowly lick away our bodies of wax. Such an ephermeral beauty.
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