Love. What is love? Long time no post, eh?
No, not gonna go into that topic, because there is an entire body of literature on the subject as well as a wealth of movies and musics entirely devoted to that theme.
Nay, instead I'll talk about "loveless". Not the anime, not the manga, but my reasons for having it as my MSN nickname recently.
No, I didn't get my heart broken, and no it's not like I fell for a girl who's already with sby else or anything like that. It's a mix between my suffocation of all the romance/drama of my friends' lives around me, and the idea that romance isn't for me.
Now, I don't mean to say that I'm sick and tired of hearing about my friends' situations, because I do honestly care about them. But I just hate seeing the same thing happen to all of them, the same wounds, the same pains, the same anguishes. People loose sight of what they want, others change over time. In an ever changing world like ours (what's that school of philosophy called again?), it's a miracle anybody manages to stay alive and happy with another person.
Again with the whole "can't be seen with a girlfriend" motif. Not that ppl can't imagine me being straight, just that they have a hard time imagining what kind of girl I'd end up with. And aside from what people think, I just don't find romance to be for me.
Again with the dual nature. I eat up that sort of stuff in novels and movies, but I'm not sure if I'd want that in real life. Unlike some people, I like to make a distinction between fantasy and reality. In fact, that's part of the alure in fantasy. To enjoy things that one can't enjoy in real life. And that's edging dangerously close to another rant, so I'll save that for yet another day.
But simply, love isn't for me. At least, not at this age and not at this time in my life.
A certain friend of mine was enjoying the idea that I've had to fight off my share of women in my life. Not that they were all pining for my affection or anything (now that I think about it), but they all came on too strong in some way, shape or form. Three distinct characters come to mind, all from UW. Coincidence? I think not. Especially when one considers the general gauche population of UW. Not that any one faculty especially exceeds at this social brutality...
Ah, so much hate. Easier to just love, I've heard. Hate takes up a lot of energy and kills brain cells. And I really don't have too many left. :( Well, whether I hate or not, I most certainly disapprove and disagree with many of modern developments in society and social intercourse. How fast the world turns, and how quickly streams the flow of time...
2005/04/30
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Ah, but what is romance, せんぱい? I mean, really, what is it? Everyone keeps talking about romance, dreaming of it or cursing it, or having a love-hate relationship with it, but it seems that everyone I talk to about romance has a different definition for it. Do you mean buying flowers for a girl (or a boy) you care about on Valentine's day or at random, just because you want to see her or him smile? Do you mean slipping poems under his or her door in the middle of the night, or mailing them half the way across the globe? Do you mean following the dating ritual (ask him or her out, go on dates, cook dinner together, go on trips and to restauraunts, meet the parents, propose, get married)? Do you mean the anime high school kind of romance (somehow 彼氏と彼女の事情 is the first thing that comes to mind), or do you mean the 'serious' kind without any mushi pink flower stuff, but the kind when one just does something considerate for the other person that he or she wouldn't do for anyone else?
Either way, part of this question is, essentially, just rhetoric, so let me get to the actual point.
You say that romance is not for you.. it's actually something I've heard you say before as well, but you don't say why. Of course, you don't need to answer.. and actually the point of my comment is not to ask you something so that you answer, but rather to ask you something so that you can think about the question. Hmmm.... I have a continuation of this thought (or rather an explanation for the question, but I don't know if you will appreciate me posting it here) - so next time I talk to you, remind me to elaborate on the subject (or perhaps I will make a private post on my own blog).
It's interesting, how several people I know say that love is not something they want. Or rather, a relationship is something they wouldn't want to have. I could never understand them, because it seemed that they signed it off because they've gotten burned once and were afraid to be hurt again (ah, same old story, isn't it?). It seems to me that those who say it are giving up too soon. (I am not saying that that's the case with you, by the way, I am just sharing my thoughts that I've had on the subject for a while.) Being all alone is not so pleasant after all (or is it?). There are always friends, who would listen and help (or at least claim that they would listen and help), but friends have their own lives to take care of. Maybe I've just been unlucky with friends, but half of the time, when I needed them I didn't get the support. Often (not always), when I talk to friends about something that troubles me, it seems that it is too tiresome for them to get into the details and understand the matter completely, so that they can give an informed and well thought of advice. Perhaps it's my own insecurities speaking up and my friends really do care and try to understand what happened, so that they can help. I'll never forget how one of my friends dragged me out clubbing after a nasty break up - I was kicking and screaming because I just wanted to shut myself up in my room and not see any human face for at least a day.. yet it turned out that taking me dancing was really the best thing that she could do - because you know, how it's always the best to do something that will divert your attention from your painful thoughts, and once you calm down a bit, it's easier to face the problem. Yet, it's so rarely happens that friends actually do know you well enough (or are willing to stand your sulking) to help you like that. This is not to say I am a great friend either - I am often inconsiderate of my friends' feelings - that's not the point of who is a good friend and who isn't, the point, rather, is that I came to realize that you can't rely on friends, because in some instances they can't be there for you. Same goes for family. Some things you just can't discuss with your family. So who is left, if you don't have a soul mate? Just yourself. Is just yourself enough? It doesn't feel that it is. I may be too idealistic, or expecting too much from life, of course, but it feels awefully lonely being on your own.
Ha, maybe I should steal this comment and post it on my own blog since I wrote so much :D.
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